Off To Camp (an original script--two of four)
by Enigmatic Ellie
Summary: A trivial weekend in the woods could make or break the staff while the First Lady and CJ help another staffer cope with news that could be deadly


NOTES: See "_Help Wanted_" 

**Off to Camp**   
_An original script by Ellie_   
Based on characters created by Aaron Sorkin 

_White House Ext._   
_Title Card: Wednesday Morning_   
FADE IN   
PRESS BRIEFING ROOM   
_CJ stands at the podium_

**CJ**:... who recently returned from a bereavement absence following the tragic death of his grandson in Nebraska. The President did speak with Congressman Holloway this morning. However, it was a personal conversation so that's all I have on that. In fact, that's all have left to say... at all. Anything else? 

**REPORTER** **#1:** Yeah, CJ! What's the deal with the brawl in the west wing a few days ago? 

**CJ**: As far as I know, there wasn't one. 

**REPORTER** **#2:** So there wasn't a fight? 

**CJ**: Sorry. Was there a betting pool? Who was odds on? 

**REPORTER** **#1:** (_laughter from the press_) Josh and Toby. 

**CJ**: Well, as I said earlier Joshua Lyman has been in northwestern Vermont with FEMA since Sunday. I can tell you that he is working closely with Toby Ziegler in coordinating the White House's interaction with the recovery teams. 

**REPORTER** **#2:** So they're speaking? 

**CJ**: Uh, not directly--but for medical reasons. Josh contracted pharyngitus in the flood zone. I am told that is a common ailment due to the high concentration of bacteria and the fumes from solvents in the air. This irritates the pharynx and causes internal swelling. It's similar to laryngitis, and he is the proud owner of one of the roughly 30 cases reported there at this time. 

**REPORTER #1:** It's not serious? 

**CJ**: No, it's heavenly. Anytime Josh can't speak, I breath easier. Okay, that's all. 

_CJ exits_   
CONTINUOS.-   
INT. HALLWAY   
_TOBY enters_

**CJ**: You and Josh kissed and made up before he left, right? 

**TOBY**: I've never been one to kiss and tell. 

**CJ**: They were asking about a melee between the two of you; I denied it, but if it turns out to be true, I'm going to be annoyed no one invited me. 

**TOBY**: We leave you out of all the fun stuff. 

**CJ**: Don't make me hurt you. 

_CJ exits. TOBY continues to-_   
INT. COMMUNICATIONS BULLPEN   
_SAM in his office reading, exits to see TOBY_

**SAM**: (_waves newspaper in Toby's face_) Where does CJ get off saying this? Did you read this? "It is foolhardy to think the President would listen to only one voice. The President has many advisors on environmental issues." 

**TOBY**: The president does have many advisors. 

**SAM**: Yeah, but that's not what she said. 

**TOBY**: That is what she said. That's exactly what she said. 

**SAM**: She called me a fool! 

**TOBY**: I'm going to call you one if you don't drop this. Get the Hooked On Phonics out of the drawer and brush up on your reading. She said 'foolhardy' and didn't direct it at anyone. 

**SAM**: Sure, but I know what she meant. 

**TOBY**: Why do I try? 

**SAM**: She meant: Hey, listen up! The President told Sam Seaborn to stick his Clean Water Act amendments in his ear. That's what she meant. She's been laughing about it for more than a week. 

**TOBY**: Okay, the president never said any of that, and I haven't seen CJ laugh at all in the last few weeks. 

**SAM**: Yeah, go ahead. Take her side. 

_SAM returns to his office and slams the door._

**TOBY**: I am surrounded by cranky children. 

_DONNA enters and hands TOBY a folder._

**DONNA**: I was told you wanted these. 

**TOBY**: No, but Josh does. 

**DONNA**: Has he said anything? 

**TOBY**: He hasn't said anything in 72 hours. He can't speak. Surprisingly, I find that a greater aggravation than when he can. 

**DONNA**: I mean about... 

**TOBY**: That's between the two of you, but the next time one of you wants to pitch a hissy, do it away from the office or at least behind closed doors. CJ got questioned in her briefing. The rumor has grown into your tiff being a fist fight between him and me. 

**DONNA**: I didn't actually hit him. 

**TOBY**: I don't care, but the next time you throw something at him, make it bigger and heavier--let the rest of us enjoy the show. 

_DONNA folds her arms and exits with a sigh_   


CONT. HALLWAY   
_TOBY walks to LEO'S office_   
_CHARLIE enters to drop off some papers_

**TOBY**: Charlie, have you seen Leo? 

**CHARLIE**: The president expects him back anytime. He had a change of plans earlier and rescheduled a meeting. 

**TOBY**: Yeah, a meeting he was supposed to take with me. 

_SAM and CJ enter_ _squabbling_

**CJ: **It's the truth. 

**SAM**: Fine. 

**CJ**: Fine! 

**SAM and CJ**: (_simultaneous and emphatic_) Where's Leo? 

_CONTINUOS-_   
_CHARLIE enters Oval Office_ _closing LEO's door as he does_   
_BARTLET seated behind his desk reading._

**BARTLET**: I'm going to want the Senior Staff in here as soon as Leo gets back, Charlie. 

**CHARLIE**: All at the same time, sir? 

**BARTLET**: The tone in your voice suggests that I should consider increasing the Secret Service around me. 

**CHARLIE**: Well, that might not be a bad idea, Mr. President. Navigating the halls without a skirmish is getting tricky. 

_[From LEO's office muffled arguing can be heard_] 

**BARTLET**: It is a bit ugly out there lately, isn't it? Like a chemistry experiment gone bad, wouldn't you say? 

**CHARLIE**: Yes, sir. 

**BARTLET**: What are the lethal combinations today? 

**CHARLIE**: You will get explosions if cross Sam with CJ, or CJ mix Leo. Toby is reacts to anything that doesn't speak to him directly, and I heard Leo having a discussion with Sam this morning in Sam's office. 

**BARTLET**: Discussions are good, Charlie. 

**CHARLIE**: I was all the way down the hall at my desk when I was hearing it, sir. 

**BARTLET**: Well, that's just most of the staff. Josh has been quiet--in many ways. 

**CHARLIE**: There was the thing with Donna on Saturday. 

[_Voices from LEO's office louder and angrier_] 

**BARTLET**: Right.Well**, **it's all the more proof thatwe're a close-knit group, Charlie. 

**CHARLIE**: Yeah, there's a lot of love in this office right now. 

SMASH CUT TO-   
MAIN TITLES 

ACT ONE   
FADE IN   
INT.- OVAL OFFICE   
_LEO and BARTLET speaking_

**LEO: **Mr. President... 

**BARTLET**: It's a wonderful idea. 

**LEO**: I disagree. 

**BARTLET**: I don't care. 

**LEO**: They hate it. 

**BARTLET**: Not as much as they hate you for ordering it. 

**LEO**: It's your idea. 

**BARTLET**: Yeah, but it came out of your mouth so I'm not concerned. Besides, from what I've heard, several of them hate you already. Nothing like a common cause to bring people together. 

**LEO**: The weekend or hating me? 

**BARTLET**: Either will suffice 

**LEO**: Did you consider that they might already have plans? 

**BARTLET**: They're fond of saying they serve at the pleasure of the President. It's my pleasure that they join me. 

**LEO**: But sir... 

**BARTLET**: Leo, they never have plans--that's why they need this. 

**LEO**: You don't know that. 

**BARTLET**: If they have plans, they can cancel them. 

**LEO**: Sir, I think the staff spends too much time together. That's why they want to kill one another. 

**BARTLET**: They spend their time putting out fires... 

**LEO**: And starting them. 

**BARTLET**: Precisely. They've forgotten that they can be regular people outside of this building. Every once in a while, it's good to be reminded that you are not your job. 

**LEO**: Well, that's not true. 

**BARTLET**: What's not true? 

**LEO**: Some people are their jobs. 

**BARTLET**: Are you about to call me a liar, Leo? 

**LEO**: No, I'm about to call you the President. You, for now, are your job. 

**BARTLET**: Don't be so damn literal. _They_ are not their jobs. This was a cohesive staff once, and I'd like to see that again. Call it a team building retreat if you want, but a little break from this place is what they need. It will do them good. Ah, there's nothing like a weekend at camp to restore you. 

**LEO**: I think it's asinine to order adults to have a sleep-over in the woods so they can remember how to be nice to each other. (_BARTLET gives him a stare_) Fine, suit yourself, sir. Have fun. 

**BARTLET**: Leo, I said the senior staff is going. You are the senior most member of the Senior Staff. You're going, too. 

**LEO**: This keeps getting better. 

CUT TO-   
SMALL OFFICE IN VT.   
_JOSH is on the phone with CJ_

**CJ**: You sound better; I mean, at least I can hear you. Was it painful? 

**JOSH**: No just strange. One second you're talking, the next you're a mime. 

**CJ**: So, I called John Hopkins. 

**JOSH**: Why? 

**CJ**: You missed your appointment when you got sent away. I don't know who I'm madder with: You for going or Leo for sending you. 

**JOSH**: It's my job; take it out on Leo. 

**CJ**: If this is serious, it might be your life. 

**JOSH**: CJ. 

**CJ**: You're constantly fatigued; you're having difficulty breathing and you're looking thin in a sickly way. That's not nothing. So don't argue. Since you're getting back Friday morning, I set it all up for the afternoon. It won't interfere with your schedule, and no one will be suspicious. 

**JOSH**: Why Baltimore? 

**CJ**: I did some checking; they're the best so I got a referral. 

**JOSH**: From whom? 

**CJ**: A doctor? 

**JOSH**: What doctor? 

**CJ**: A doctor I know. 

**JOSH**: No! Tell me you didn't. 

**CJ**: Okay, I didn't. 

**JOSH**: You did. CJ! 

**CJ**: Calm down. 

**JOSH**: I'm gonna kill you. 

_JOSH'S laptop computer beeps. He hits some keys and reads his e-mail_ _then rolls his eyes_. 

**JOSH (cont.)**: Actually, I'm gonna kill Leo first. 

**CJ**: You just got the message? 

**JOSH**: Yeah. Well, damn. I guess I can't make that appointment after all. 

**CJ**: Nice try. I already cleared it for you. I told Leo you were told to see a specialist about your throat thing so you'll be getting in late. 

**JOSH**: Yeah, okay. I'm back to killing just you now. 

CUT TO-   
OVAL OFFICE   
_BARTLET speaking with ABBEY_

**ABBEY**: So you're playing scout master to the children this weekend? 

**BARTLET**: It's 36 hours, not all weekend. 

**ABBEY**: You can't force them to like each other, Jed. 

**BARTLET**: They already like each other. They just need to be reminded. 

**ABBEY**: You can't force them to remember that. 

**BARTLET**: I can force them to do just about anything. We're going to have fun. 

**ABBEY**: Really? What will you do? Three-legged races? Nature hikes? Make macaroni necklaces for Mother's Day gifts? 

**BARTLET**: I'd tell you, but the itinerary is given out on a need-to-know basis. You'll have to come and see for yourself. 

**ABBEY**: Actually, I will be joining in you. 

**BARTLET**: You will? I thought you had that thing with breast cancer research foundation on Saturday. 

**ABBEY**: Rescheduled it for Friday afternoon in Baltimore. I'm having lunch with Ellie first. Then I'm meeting Josh. We'll travel to Camp David together. 

**BARTLET**: Josh is going to be in Baltimore? Why isn't he seeing someone here? 

**ABBEY**: I arranged it. 

**BARTLET**: Abbey. 

**ABBEY**: I'm not meddling, Jed. I'm a doctor. 

**BARTLET**: You're both, but you can take it up with Josh. 

**ABBEY**: Oh, I will. I think we'll have one of our conversations, like old times. 

**BARTLET**: I never come out sounding good when you two talk. 

**ABBEY**: I'll try to keep the name calling to a minimum. 

**BARTLET**: Just don't be late. I'll give you a hint. Friday is going to be quite an intellectually invigorating evening. 

**ABBEY**: Jed, you're not... 

**BARTLET**: What else do you do with disgruntled, intellectual overachievers in the middle of the woods after dark? 

**ABBEY**: Build a campfire. Tell ghost stories. Hell, play Blind Man's Bluff with bayonets. Anything but... 

**BARTLET**: Nonsense! It's the cure for what ails them. 

**ABBEY**: Well, it's a good thing I'm going. Someone's bound to need a doctor before the weekend's done. 

FADE OUT   
END ACT I 

ACT II   
EXT. WHITE HOUSE   
_Title Card: Friday Afternoon_

CUT TO-   
INT. OUTSIDE OVAL OFFICE   
_LEO dropping off a file to MRS. LANDINGHAM_   
_CHARLIE at his desk_

**LEO**: Charlie, is he just about ready? 

**CHARLIE**: Yeah. 

**LEO**: Are you? 

**CHARLIE**: For this? I don't think that's possible. 

**LEO**: Then you're in the right frame of mind. 

**CHARLIE**: Yeah, I figure that counts for something. 

**LEO**: Okay, tell the President I'm rounding up the troops. Ginger went home with a convienent migraine; Carol has a wedding so she lucked out, too. Margaret has been planning a trip to Fairfax to visit family and I see no reason to stop her. 

**CHARLIE**: So, it's Toby, CJ, Sam and Donna going right now? 

**LEO**: Yeah, and you and me and the boss man makes three. Tell him we'll be ready to go in 15 minutes. 

**CHARLIE**: Okay. 

_LEO exits._

**MRS. LANDINGHAM**: Charlie, why is the President making you all go to Camp David with him? 

**CHARLIE**: For a morale boost. 

**MRS. LANDINGHAM**: Yes, but all the senior staff is mad at each other. Wouldn't it make more sense to fix that before dragging them way out there into the woods? 

**CHARLIE**: You mean out where no one will find their bodies? 

**MRS. LANDINGHAM**: Yes. 

**CHARLIE**: I don't think they're really mad. Well, maybe CJ is, but I think most of them are just mad at anything that doesn't go right. 

**MRS. LANDINGHAM**: That's nothing new. 

**CHARLIE**: No, it's not. They're just taking out their frustrations on each other. 

**MRS. LANDINGHAM**: Well, that's nothing new either. 

**CHARLIE**: Yeah. 

**MRS. LANDINGHAM**: Is it true the President isn't going to let them do any work while they're away? 

**CHARLIE**: That's his stated intention. 

**MRS. LANDINGHAM**: How is he going to manage that? 

**CHARLIE**: I don't know, but I'm probably going to enjoy watching. 

CUT TO-   
JOHN HOPKIN'S, A DOCTOR'S WAITING ROOM   
_JOSH sitting staring between his watch and an area on his arm where blood was recently drawn._   
_A NURSE enters_. 

**JOSH**: You can't have any more blood. I barely have enough left for me. 

**NURSE**: No, we're done with that, Mr. Lyman. I have a message for you from Dr. Faraday. She's sorry for the delay. She's been pulled into an emergency consultation. She'll be here soon 

_ABBEY enters from behind._

**JOSH**: I've got a better idea. You tell the mad scientists do their thing, and get back to me when they have a clue about... whatever. 

**NURSE**: Do you need to be somewhere? Dr. Faraday did say she wants to speak with you about... 

**JOSH**: I don't have all day. 

**ABBEY**: Oh yes, you do. 

**NURSE**: Mam. 

**ABBEY**: (_to NURSE_) Tell Sheila he's not leaving but if she could hurry up we would appreciate it. (_to JOSH_). Don't even think about leaving. 

_NURSE exits_

**JOSH**: What a surprise to see you here... mam. 

**ABBEY**: I was in a meeting in upstairs in the Ulrich Room. We just finished so I thought I might drop in to see Sheila. 

**JOSH**: A good friend is she? 

**ABBEY**: Small world, isn't it? 

**JOSH**: Convenient. Will my mother be joining us or did CJ not tell everyone on the east coast? 

**ABBEY**: I can leave if you prefer. 

**JOSH**: I'd prefer to wrap my hands around CJ's neck. 

**ABBEY**: She was concerned. She didn't tell me anything I hadn't already noticed. She said she was worried about a friend of hers so she asked me a few questions. She never even said your name. I put it together myself. I'm kind of intuitive like that. 

**JOSH**: That's not the word I would use. 

FADE OUT 

FADE IN 

EXT. CAMP DAVID, MAIN LODGE 

_Title Card: Late Friday afternoon_

CUT TO-   
INT. SITTING ROOM, MAIN LODGE, CAMP DAVID   
_Staff sitting in various locations in the large room looking bored._

_CHARLIE enters_

**CHARLIE**: Excuse me, Mr. President. 

**BARTLET**: What is it, Charlie? 

**CHARLIE**: Josh is on the phone. 

**BARTLET**: Where is he? 

**CHARLIE**: On the phone. 

**BARTLET**: Well, thank you. 

**CHARLIE**: I believe he's still in Baltimore. 

**BARTLET**: Tell him he's kept the First Lady waiting long enough. He doesn't need a voice that badly. He is to get on the helicopter in the next 10 minutes or he's fired. 

**CHARLIE**: All right, Mr. President. But you should know that he was calling to check in and to say it's the First Lady who is currently tied up with a discussion, but they will be leaving shortly. 

**BARTLET**: Oh. 

**CJ**: Charlie, I need to speak with him. 

**BARTLET**: About what? 

**CJ**: Um, it's just this thing. 

**BARTLET**: No business, CJ. 

**CJ**: It's not. 

**BARTLET**: He'll be here in an hour. Can't it wait? 

**CJ:** It's important. 

**CHARLIE: **I don't think he wants to speak with you, CJ. 

**CJ: **Why do you say that? 

**CHARLIE: **Because... 

**CJ: **Because what? 

**CHARLIE: **By way of conversation, I told him who was here already, and he said if you asked to speak with him I was to tell you he didn't want to speak with you**.**

**CJ:** He said that? 

**CHARLIE: **Yeah and something about calling his mother. 

**DONNA**: Why is he calling his mother? 

**CHARLIE**: I don't think he is. I think he doesn't want CJ to call her. 

**DONNA**: Why would CJ call Josh's mother? 

**CJ**: I would never do that. Did he actually say he doesn't want to speak with me specifically? 

**CHARLIE: **You or Donna, actually. 

**DONNA**: I didn't call his mother. 

**CJ**: No one did. 

_CJ shakes her head and exits_

**DONNA**: Why doesn't he want to speak to me? I didn't do anything. 

**CHARLIE**: I heard you threw a book at him. 

**DONNA**: Oh. That. 

**SAM**: What about me? 

**CHARLIE**: He didn't say anything about you. 

**SAM**: Oh. He only mentioned CJ and Donna. 

**CHARLIE**: And Toby. 

**SAM**: But nothing about me? He didn't say anything about me? Did you tell him I was here? 

**TOBY**: Maybe he'll ask you to the prom next year. Why doesn't he want to speak to me? 

**CHARLIE**: I just meant the only other person he mentioned was you, Toby. 

**TOBY**: What about me? 

**CHARLIE**: He asked if you were hiding in the lodge. 

**TOBY**: Hiding? 

**CHARLIE**: He asked if you were staring at the woods with abject fear. 

**TOBY**: Abject fear? He said abject fear? Well, I'm not speaking to him. 

**LEO**: (_peering sharply around his newspaper_) No new feuds. 

**BARTLET**: Thank you, Leo. Charlie, tell Josh that I want him to start walking here if the First Lady is going to be much longer, and when he arrives he will be speaking nicely with everyone or I'll call his mother. 

**LEO**: (_standing and starting to leave_) Well, that oughta do it. 

**BARTLET**: Leo, your attitude could use some adjusting as well. 

**LEO**: I wouldn't know where to begin, sir. 

**BARTLET**: I think you should lead us in a sing-along. 

**LEO**: (_exiting_) I shiver with anticipation, sir. 

**BARTLET**: Don't be surprised if you find your bed short-sheeted. 

CONT. INT. HALLWAY 

TO- EXT. MAIN LODGE PORCH 

_The sun is setting_. 

_LEO finds CJ sitting on a bench looking worried and staring at nothing_

**LEO**: CJ, is there an invasion coming I should know about? 

**CJ**: No. 

**LEO**: Well, then is anything wrong? 

**CJ**: No. 

**LEO**: Are you lying to me? 

**CJ**: Maybe. 

**LEO**: Whatever it is that is bothering you--and for the sake of upholding the ridiculous rules laid down by the presiden--even if it is business, it can wait 24 hours. Trust me. I know there is no burning crisis waiting to swoop down and crush democracy as we know it. 

**CJ**: Sure. 

**LEO**: Is this about Josh? 

**CJ**: Of course not. 

**LEO**: Did I mention that lying to the your boss is a bad idea? 

**CJ**: No. 

**LEO**: Well, it is. What did he do? 

**CJ**: I don't.... 

**LEO**: Unless, Josh has started a war... He hasn't, has he? 

**CJ**: I don't think so. 

**LEO**: Then relax. Enjoy the weekend--and if you figure out how, let me know. 

**CJ**: Sure, Leo. 

**LEO**: Claudia Jean (_sighs_) I think I know what this is about. 

**CJ**: You do? 

**LEO**: You're worried about him. (_pause_) I know that last year, the shooting, it shook us up, but the worst of it is long past. Josh's fine, CJ. This thing he had was less serious than a paper cut. We'll be hearing his voice shouting down the halls for the many months to come. 

**CJ**: I hope so. 

CUT TO- 

INT. MAIN LODGE SITTING ROOM 

_BARTLET, TOBY, SAM and DONNA sitting on couches around a coffee table_. 

_BARTLET is holding a board game_. 

**BARTLET**: This will be fun. 

**TOBY**: Like flash burns on the eyelids. 

**SAM**: Hey, I'm game. 

**DONNA**: Don't suck up. 

**SAM**: I'm not. I'm good at these games. 

**BARTLET**: You're gonna lose, boy. 

**SAM**: I so am not; I'm gonna make you cry like a little girl. All of you. 

**DONNA**: I think it's supposed to be a friendly game. 

**BARTLET**: Donna's right. This is a game. Not a competition. Keep that in mind, and when I beat the pants off you, just remember that it's all in good fun. 

**DONNA**: A friendly, noncompetitive battle of wits to see who's the smartest of them all? 

**CHARLIE**: I vote for Leo and CJ. 

**BARTLET**: Why? 

**CHARLIE**: They're the only one smart enough not to be playing. 

**BARTLET**: Oh, they're playing. Go get them. 

**CHARLIE**: If you don't mind my saying, this is a bad idea, Mr. President. 

**BARTLET**: Nonsense. 

FADE OUT   
END ACT II 

ACT III

FADE IN   
SITTING ROOM   
_STAFF gathered for the game still_

**TOBY**: How is that possible? 

**SAM**: I don't know, but that's the answer. 

**TOBY**: I don't believe it. It's wrong. 

**CJ**: It's not. 

**TOBY**: The Canary Islands are named for dogs? 

**SAM**: Apparently. Fascinating, isn't it? 

**CJ**: Okay, no one stole the answer, so now it's your turn, sir. 

_BARTLET rolls die._

**BARTLET**: That's an H. So it's history. I feel a streak coming on. 

**DONNA**: Maybe this time it will really happen, sir. 

**CJ**: (_reading from game card_) Who was the only US President born on the Fourth of July? 

**BARTLET**: Ah ha! I know this one. Let me think. Well, Jefferson and John Adams both died on the Fourth. 

**CJ**: Is that your answer, sir? 

**BARTLET**: No. I'm thinking aloud. 

**SAM**: Well, sir, you can exclude yourself. 

**BARTLET**: Really? Thanks for the hint. 

**SAM**: I'm just saying that leaves you with a better than one in 42 chance. 

**BARTLET**: Does it really? 

**SAM**: It's just that those aren't bad odds. 

**BARTLET**: Thank you. Let's see, Lincoln was in February as well as Washington. Kennedy was in May. Vanburen was in... 

**TOBY**: (_holding up tiny "hour" glass_) The time's run out. 

**BARTLET**: I didn't answer. 

**CJ**: No, you didn't. And, as you told me just five minutes ago: Too bad; rules are rules (_beat_)... sir. Okay, anyone else? 

**DONNA**: Calvin Coolidge. 

**CJ**: That's right. 

**BARTLET**: In Plymouth Notch, Vermont, on his grandfather's farm, on the hill a few short miles from where his father, a local judge, administered the oath of office on... 

**DONNA**: I don't think you get bonus points for extra details, Mr. President. 

**BARTLET**: Did you know any of that? 

**DONNA**: No, but I knew the answer to the question that was actually asked. (_rolls die_) Uh, I've got history again. 

**TOBY**: Who was the first Secretary General of the UN? 

**DONNA**: Well, it wasn't Calvin Coolidge. (_beat_) I have no idea. 

**SAM**: Trygve Lie. 

**TOBY**: Correct. 

**BARTLET**: He was Norwegian. 

**TOBY**: Sir, it's not your turn. 

**BARTLET**: But I knew that answer. 

**TOBY**: You didn't say it. 

_SAM rolls the die_

**CJ**: Science. 

**BARTLET**: Good! He's missed all of those. 

**SAM**: I've only missed a couple. 

**BARTLET**: Political careers are fickle, Sam, and I know people. Just keep that in mind. 

**DONNA**: What is the claim to fame of Laika, the Russian bitch? 

**SAM**: Was she Putin's biology teacher? 

**CJ**: No. 

**SAM**: Then I have no idea. 

**TOBY**: She was the first dog in space. 

**CJ**: Would you care to tell us her pedigree, sir? 

**BARTLET**: I think you're cheating. 

**DONNA**: Who? 

**BARTLET**: All of you. 

**TOBY**: (_rolls die_) Okay, that's an L for literature. 

**DONNA**: Who was assigned to steal the girdle of Amazon Queen Hippolyte? 

**TOBY**: All the questions in the box and I'm supposed to know who masterminded an epic panty raid? 

**BARTLET**: I know this one. 

**TOBY**: Well, then you have my vote. 

**SAM**: Hercules. 

**BARTLET**: I knew that. 

**DONNA**: Then why didn't you answer? 

**BARTLET**: You're cheating. That's why. 

CUT TO-   
HALLWAY UPSTAIRS   
_LEO walking by door way sees JOSH_ _sitting a bed reading a book._

**LEO**: You snuck in? 

**JOSH**: I was forewarned. 

**LEO**: How was Vermont? 

**JOSH**: Green and soggy. Why aren't you suffering with the rest of your staff? 

**LEO**: Suffering is an individual kind of thing. 

**JOSH**: You ran away? 

**LEO**: You're hiding. (_JOSH shrugs_) Since you're not here yet, I can tell you that I'm not checking in with Senator Russell on 697. 

**JOSH**: Six ninety-seven? That's about stem-cell research funding? 

**LEO**: Yeah. It's gonna leave committee this week. 

**JOSH**: What? I didn't see that coming. 

**LEO**: Neither did I. 

**JOSH**: Damn. That means... 

**LEO**: Yeah. We'd better prepare. 

**JOSH**: Where's he going to come down on this? 

**LEO**: I couldn't tell you. 

**JOSH**: He should be for it. 

**LEO**: I'll tell him you said so. 

**JOSH**: I'll do it myself. Leo, it could save lives. 

**LEO**: And some people say it's playing God or that it's not all that different from Nazi experiments or... 

**JOSH**: It is not at all like... 

**LEO**: I'm not starting a debate I'm just anticipating the one we'll be facing. 

**JOSH**: Yeah. Do you want me to.... 

**LEO**: It'll hold for the weekend. Besides, the rule is no business allowed. 

**JOSH**: That's why we're not having this conversation? 

**LEO**: How could we? You aren't even here yet. 

FADE OUT   
END ACT III 

ACT IV   
FADE IN   
KITCHEN   
_ABBEY sitting at table staring into a wine glass._   
_BARTLET enters_

**BARTLET**: Charlie said you were here. When did you arrive? 

**ABBEY**: A little while before the final question and the boisterous victory parade down the hall. 

**BARTLET**: I told you this was a good idea. And you can see for yourself we all survived. 

**ABBEY**: Sam won? 

**BARTLET**: Yeah. I thought about what you said so I came up with a strategy to let them win, you know, to keep things civil and light. 

**ABBEY**: Did you throw the game or did you lose? 

**BARTLET**: Well, it's just a game, and I wasn't trying to prove anything. 

**ABBEY**: I see. 

**BARTLET**: What was your delay? 

**ABBEY**: I got involved in a discussion. 

**BARTLET**: About what? 

**ABBEY**: Maybe nothing. That's always the worst part of being a doctor, Jed. You don't always have the answers when you want them. 

**BARTLET**: How was the trip? You and Josh usually have lively discussions--at my expense I might add. 

**ABBEY**: He isn't very talkative tonight. 

**BARTLET**: Well, the others are reborn. 

**ABBEY**: Yes, I could hear. 

**BARTLET**: I'm five for six. I should call the Middle East, you know, get some talks going and maybe get negotiate a peace settlement somewhere. Or maybe I could head off the next major league baseball strike. 

**ABBEY**: Yes, do that. 

**BARTLET**: But that would be breaking my own cardinal rule for the weekend. 

**ABBEY**: How tragic. 

**BARTLET**: Well, it's the principal of the thing. 

**ABBEY**: Okay. 

**BARTLET**: But there is something I can do. I'm on a roll. Where's Josh? He's not going to spoil my perfect record. 

**ABBEY**: (_grabs his arm and shakes her head_) Jed, give him some space right now. 

CUT TO-   
CAMPFIRE   
_CJ, TOBY, SAM and DONNA sitting around the fire drinking_ _beer_

**DONNA**: Where did Leo go? 

**TOBY**: He is flagrantly breaking the president's edict. He has been making clandestine calls on a cellphone he smuggled in his bag. 

**SAM**: How did you know if they're clandestine? 

**TOBY**: Because I've been relaying him messages I get on my pager. 

**SAM**: How did you get it up here without the President knowing? 

**TOBY**: I wore it. 

**SAM**: Wasn't that risky? 

**TOBY**: I didn't figure he'd be frisking us. 

**DONNA**: And I thought Josh was a control freak. Guys, it's not like you abandoned the country. 

**CJ**: Maybe we should. Hey, that might be the answer to everything. 

**SAM**: Quit? 

**CJ**: No, quitters quit. We've got more style than that. 

**DONNA**: You could retire. 

**TOBY**: If we want to collect social security, now would be the time. 

**CJ**: That sounds a lot like shop talk. Do you want me to tell on you? 

CUT TO-   
EXT. LODGE ON PORCH   
_JOSH is alone in the dark, leaning on the porch railing_   
_BARTLET rounds the corner and looks concerned_

**BARTLET**: Josh? 

**JOSH**: Mr. President. 

**BARTLET**: How's it going? 

**JOSH**: Fine. 

**BARTLET**: For a successful politician, you're a horrible liar. 

**JOSH**: That's open for debate. 

**BARTLET**: Well, this isn't: There is to be no business tonight and no worrying--about anything. 

**JOSH**: If you say so. 

**BARTLET**: I did. The others are a couple clicks to the east enjoying a sanctioned fire--Sam was inordinately proud to show off his boy scout training. 

**JOSH**: Yeah, I can hear them. 

**BARTLET**: Then why are you here alone in the dark? Have you been banished or are you honing your antisocial skills? 

**JOSH**: Maybe I'm just enjoying a moment of solitude. 

**BARTLET**: You? Solitude? That'll be the day. It is a lovely, brisk night, though. It's invigorating, isn't it? You know what this reminds me of? 

**JOSH**: (_buries face in hands and groans_) God no. 

**BARTLET**: This reminds me of autumn evenings at my farm in New Hampshire. 

**JOSH**: I'm in hell. 

**BARTLET**: The weather report said there's a cold front coming. Can you believe that? There's a chance for a dusting of snow in the higher elevations. Snow at this time of year this far south. I think it's a good sign. 

**JOSH**: You would. 

**BARTLET**: Like the first breaths of spring on a breeze; a harbinger of cleansing or renewal. There's something miraculous about the quiet that falls across the chaotic land with a gentle, unexpected snow. 

**JOSH**: Snow brings chaos not tranquillity. 

**BARTLET**: Well, you're from Connecticut. Southern New England doesn't really understand weather. 

**JOSH**: I understand that snow is white and wet and costs a lot to remove. What else is there? 

**BARTLET**: I love the snow and all the forms of the radiant frost. Do you know who said that? 

**JOSH**: You did. Just now, sir. 

**BARTLET**: No, it was Shelley, the poet. 

**JOSH**: Really? 'Cause I could've sworn the words came out of your mouth. 

**BARTLET**: I imagine that people who don't know you well mistake your impudence for ignorance. I must confess Josh, that there are moments when even I am tempted to do a background check to verify your Ivy League education. 

**JOSH**: Oh, that reminds me. Thank you for the book, sir. 

**BARTLET**: Is this a pro forma response or did you actually read it? 

**JOSH**: I was glad to have it, especially during the evenings. It's been a while since I traveled alone. It was almost disconcerting. 

**BARTLET**: What was? 

**JOSH**: The quiet. Working solo. Without Donna, it's.... different. 

**BARTLET**: Ever the politician. You might want to do a little recon, but my read is she's in a better humor over all; still, I might tread lightly if I were you. I don't know what occurred, though it's good to know the rumors of your summary execution at her hands were exaggerated. 

**JOSH**: She hit me with a book. Your book actually. 

**BARTLET**: The written word has many uses. Do you know how a pearl is made? 

**JOSH**: Sir? 

**BARTLET**: A pearl. A tiny grain of sand gets into an oyster's shell. It gets wedged into the soft belly and irritates the tender area. Oyster's can't expel the grain. Instead, they hold it close and secrete a fluid to surround the sand, to protect from the aggravation. As time passes, the substance gels and becomes the pearl. A perfect one is rare; flaws and imperfections abound. But that doesn't change the fact that it's still a pearl, a beautiful jewel to preserve and cherish. 

**JOSH**: I don't like oysters. They make me sick. 

**BARTLET**: You know, I don't advocate hand-to-hand combat among my staff, but if Donna cold-cocks you, I'll understand completely. I'm going to join the others, are you following? 

**JOSH**: Are you ordering me? Because that would be very a work-like attitude to be taking. 

CUT TO-   
EXT. CAMPFIRE 

**TOBY**: Did you hear something? 

**SAM**: Don't be paranoid, Toby. 

**TOBY**: We're in the wilderness, Sam. 

**CJ**: It's the woods, Toby. We're staying in a state of the art facility from which you could run a war. I'd hardly call this wilderness. 

**SAM**: She's right, Toby. There's so much security around here, we're barely outdoors. 

**TOBY**: We are outdoors. There are no walls, no ceiling, no floor. 

**CJ**: Well, it's hardly Survivor, Toby. 

**TOBY**: I don't care. There are no street lights; no traffic lights and no pavement. This is wilderness to me. 

**DONNA**: I think it's nice here. 

**TOBY**: You would. And, in case you don't realize it, there are also creatures--fury ones with teeth hand claws around us. 

**SAM**: Ways and Means is more intimidating than a racoon, Toby. 

**TOBY**: Ways and Means doesn't have rabies. 

**DONNA**: Are you afraid of them? 

**TOBY**: The racoons? No. I'm not afraid. I'm being cautious. Caution is a survival skill. (_looks startled_) Did you hear that? Does anyone know if there are bears around here? 

**SAM**: There aren't. (_turning to look into the darkness_) And you're not being cautious. You're being paranoid. 

**TOBY**: There's nothing wrong with having a healthy respect for wild creatures. 

**SAM**: Well, your creature has his own Secret Service detachment. (_stands_) Good evening, sir. 

_BARTLET enters_

**BARTLET**: Sit down. Doesn't this look cozy. We're all finally here. 

**SAM**: Except Josh. 

**BARTLET**: He's at the lodge. I left him to contemplate oysters, solitude and prize fighting. 

**TOBY**: And now you've joined us. 

**CJ**: (_standing_) I'll get him. 

**BARTLET**: Leave him, CJ. He'll wander down here eventually. 

**CJ**: Well, the thing is, I need to speak to him. 

**BARTLET**: Let it be, CJ. 

**CJ**: It's not business, sir. (_looks briefly at DONNA_) It's a personal matter. 

**BARTLET**: (_looks at her appraisingly as his face softens_) Go. 

_CJ exits. DONNA watches her go._

**DONNA**: How is he? 

**BARTLET**: Leave that to CJ. 

**SAM**: Hey, did you see that? Was that a shooting star? 

**TOBY**: I don't know. I've never seen one. 

**SAM**: Your brother is an astronaut. 

**TOBY**: My uncle was a tailor; that doesn't mean I can identify an Armani suit. 

**DONNA**: I hope it wasn't. Shooting stars are depressing. 

**SAM**: No, they're inspiring. 

**BARTLET**: They're both. 

(_all eyes turn to him_) 

**BARTLET**: _Stars I have seen them fall_

_but when they drop and die_

_no star is lost at all_

_from all the star-sewn sky._

_Of all the toil that be_

_helps not the primal fault_

_it rains into the sea_

_and still the sea is salt._

**DONNA**: That could be inspiring. 

**SAM**: No, that's depressing. What is it? 

**BARTLET**: It's from a book of poetry I gave to someone recently. _The Collected Works of A.E. Housman. _You know, I believe that quoting poetry is one of the things that differentiates us from the animals. 

**SAM**: I always thought the fact that I can play the glockenspiel differentiated me from the animals. 

**LEO**: The what? 

**SAM**: It's like a portable xylophone. 

**TOBY**: I can't believe I missed that on your resume. 

**SAM**: You've never seen my resume. 

**TOBY**: Then that would be why. 

**DONNA**: Can you really play, Sam? 

**SAM**: It's one of the many amazing things about me. What secret talent do you have? 

**DONNA**: I don't know. I don't think I have one. 

**LEO**: She works with Josh. There isn't even a word invented yet to describe that talent. 

**DONNA**: What about you, Leo? 

**LEO**: I can leave this conversation without sharing anything. _(starts to leave)_

**BARTLET**: Leo can entertain children by pulling coins out of the thin air. 

**TOBY**: You should try that with the children on Capitol Hill. 

_LEO exits_

**BARTLET**: No digs without sharing, Toby. 

**TOBY**: I could have played center field for the Yankees. 

**SAM**: Really? 

**TOBY**: My father and uncle thought so. 

**BARTLET**: (_calling in to the darkness_) Oh, Leo! You'd better walk faster than that if you want to hide from me. Senator Russell is expecting you to call before 10. 

CUT TO- 

EXT. MAIN LODGE PORCH 

_CJ approaching where JOSH is sitting on steps._

**CJ**: So? 

**JOSH**: Nothing to say. 

**CJ**: Nothing as in medical nothing or nothing as in you're lying through your teeth and I need to beat the answer out of you. 

**JOSH**: Compassion is such a turn on. 

**CJ**: Josh. 

**JOSH**: Nothing as in nothing. There's a... 

**CJ**: A what? 

**JOSH**: An anomaly and some of the other tests were... slightly off. 

**CJ**: Which ones? 

**JOSH**: You're gonna let the "slightly off" comment slide without... 

**CJ**: Josh, none of this is funny. 

**JOSH**: Yeah, but I might appreciate levity. 

**CJ**: What did they say? 

**JOSH**: Might be nothing. 

**CJ**: Might be something? 

**JOSH**: Possibly. It seems that when you get shot, minute debris gets in with the bullet. They did a good job last year--or so I'm told--they thought they got most of it, but there was always the possibility some was missed. It's microscopic dust. So, it turns out that if they didn't get it all and it sits there, it festers. Things can happen. 

**CJ**: What about the other tests? 

**JOSH**: White count is elevated; the chest X-ray might have a shadow; and so on. Nothing conclusive. They gave me some antibiotics to take in case it's one thing, but they're gonna run more tests Thursday to find out if it's something else. 

**CJ**: They're waiting a week? 

**JOSH**: No, I am. They want to do it Monday, but I put it off. 

**CJ**: Josh! 

**JOSH**: Don't lecture me. The First Lady already did. Thursday is what works for me. I got half a day off to do a panel discussion at Georgetown, but I'll cancel at the last minute; no one will miss me. It's good cover. 

**CJ**: You shouldn't go through this alone. (_JOSH grins back at her_) You're gonna lay this off on just me? 

**JOSH**: Hey, you made me tell you. 

**CJ**: Yeah, but... 

**JOSH**: CJ, you promised. This is just between us. Well, us and the First Lady and probably the President now, too. I'd like to keep it out of the Post, if you can swing that. 

**CJ**: What about Donna? 

**JOSH**: No! No one! 

**CJ**: Not anyone? 

**JOSH**: That's the generally accepted definition of no one. 

**CJ**: (_putting her arm over his shoulders_) Okay. How are you doing with this? 

**JOSH**: Fine. 

**CJ**: Are you scared? 

**JOSH**: Nah. 

**CJ**: Are you lying? 

**JOSH**: Yeah. 

_[pause to hear the muffled sound of voices at the bonfire_] 

**CJ**: We should join them. They'll get curious and the president will accuse us of working. As payback he'll keep everyone up until dawn. 

_BOTH stand and start walking slowly toward sound of voices_

**JOSH**: Yeah, listening to him recite the quintessential history of Franconia Notch. 

**CJ**: As described in some ancient Abenaki verse. 

**JOSH**: You know, brooding over lung cancer might not be a bad alternative. 

**CJ**: They said cancer? 

**JOSH**: Not exactly. (_sighs_) Not yet. 

FADE OUT 

FADE IN- 

PORCH OF THE MAIN LODGE 

_BARTLET and LEO sitting on the steps_

**BARTLET**: Do you hear that? 

**LEO**: The children are playing well together. 

**BARTLET**: I told you. You know, Leo. I'm very fortunate. 

**LEO**: How? 

**BARTLET**: How? You don't think being president qualifies? 

**LEO**: Sometimes I would expect not. 

**BARTLET**: True. But in this instance, I was thinking about them. They're a good group. 

**LEO**: They have their moments. 

**BARTLET**: They do. I appreciate that. 

**LEO**: They know, Mr. President. 

**BARTLET**: I hope they do. 

**LEO**: They know. 

**BARTLET**: (_as noise from group swells slightly_) Ah, there's nothing like camp to restore your spirit. It's a good lesson, learning that the country didn't fall apart just because we sat down, took a deep breath, talked about the weather and gazed toward the heavens. We're all both disposable and irreplaceable. 

**LEO**: Sir, it's too dark, too cold and too late to be deep. 

**BARTLET**: Fine. Then we'll just enjoy the moment as is. This is a rare, peaceful night, Leo. Let's just savor it while it lasts. 

_Pause as crickets can be heard and the distant muffle of the staff's voices raised but not in anger._

_LEO's phone rings. LEO looks at it then at BARTLET._

**LEO**: Well, that didn't last long. 

FADE OUT 

THE END 

**_Next: _**In The Loop 

**--Secrets are always bumper crop in Washington**


End file.
